In human services, our words matter more than we sometimes realize. Language can either lower the temperature in the room or add fuel to it. It can protect a young person’s dignity or unintentionally push them further into shame, defensiveness, or a power struggle.

CARE does not ask staff to be permissive. It asks us to be intentional. We can be warm and firm at the same time. We can set clear limits while still supporting regulation and connection. One of the simplest ways to do that is to swap out common phrases that escalate, even when we do not mean them to, for language that is more likely to land.

These are not scripts to memorize. They are examples of how small shifts in wording can help youth feel safer, understood, and capable of getting back on track.

Everyday Language Swaps

Instead of: Calm down.
Try: I’m here. Let’s slow it down together. Start with one breath.

Instead of: Stop being disrespectful.
Try: I’m not okay with how we’re talking. Try it again in a respectful tone.

Instead of: You know better.
Try: This is a moment to practice. What’s a better choice right now?

Instead of: What’s wrong with you?
Try: Something feels off. What’s going on, or what do you need?

Instead of: If you don’t stop, you’re getting a consequence.
Try: I want to help you be successful. What would help you get back on track?

Instead of: Because I said so.
Try: Here’s the reason for the rule, and here are your options.

Instead of: You’re being dramatic.
Try: This feels big for you. Let’s figure out the next step.

Instead of: You’re fine.
Try: I hear you. Do you want support, space, or a distraction?

Instead of: You’re not listening.
Try: I don’t think my message is landing. What did you hear me say?

Instead of: Go to time out.
Try: Let’s take a reset. You can choose the quiet area or a quick walk with support.

Instead of: You did this on purpose.
Try: Help me understand what happened right before this.

Instead of: I’m done with you.
Try: I’m going to take a minute to reset so I can respond well. I’ll come back.

Instead of: You always do this. You never listen.
Try: Right now, I’m seeing this. Let’s focus on what to do next.

Instead of: I’m not arguing with you.
Try: I’ll listen to your concerns. First, we need safe behavior, then we can talk.

The Goal Is Not Perfection

“Kids are entitled to all of their feelings. I’ll never tell them not to be angry, upset, or anything else; their feelings aren’t the main concern; it’s how they handle their feelings. It really validates and helps with emotional acceptance. They are allowed to feel; it’s their reaction to those feelings that matters.”

– Raelyn Reisker, Campus Supervisor

None of us will say the perfect thing every time. What matters is the direction we are moving. CARE asks us to stay curious, maintain dignity, teach skills in real time, and use repair when we miss the mark.

If you try one language swap this week, pick a moment you see often, like transitions or bedtime. Practice one phrase until it feels natural. Small shifts add up, and over time, they build a culture where expectations are clear, emotions are manageable, and relationships remain the foundation.